if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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