If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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