the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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