I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
