my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
