Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
