I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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