Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
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He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
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The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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