Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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