WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
