Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
