Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
