Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
