Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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