I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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