when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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