i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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