I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
