i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
