I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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