oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
