dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
