Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
