Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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