ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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