why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
