Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
