I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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