I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
