We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
