I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
