people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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