I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
sex in a hospital.. check
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
