I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
