The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
