The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
