my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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