I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
