note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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