yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
