Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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