my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
