So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
