it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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