Her vagina should come with caution tape.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
