Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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