Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
