And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
either way he was missing a nipple.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
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I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
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Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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