we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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