your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
