I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
