We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
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I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
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I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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