finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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