ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
