Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize