Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
