Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
